Monday, August 8, 2011

Thirty years and two hundred pounds on me

I've been traumatized.

I'm never going to be okay again, ever.

I also now know what kind of man I attract.


There I was, having a nice day at the vet clinic.

A couple hours earlier, I had a conversation with what you'd call an eccentric man. May I give you a description of this man? Unfortunately, the description I give won't even touch the surface. Just picture someone you find to be incredibly unattractive and then times that by oh, a trillion.

  • 50+ years old.
  • Overweight. Beer gut.
  • Straggly, greasy, greying hair.
  • Wearing a felt hat with a feather attached.
  • Beard. You know the kind of beard he had, if you're following my description.
He's wearing a sleeveless shirt, and on his left upper arm is an orange bear, in mid roar, looking as threatening as only an orange bear can.

He approaches me and asks how long I've worked at the vet clinic, and then asks if I'm planning on becoming a veterinarian. I recite my script (because I'm asked this question weekly) and go into my story about how yes, I work at a vet clinic, but I'm actually an EMT planning on becoming a nurse, etc etc.

He tells me about his days as a cop and mentions an ex-girlfriend who couldn't stand the sight of blood. He also mentions how he rescued a woman's life once by holding pressure on an artery after she'd been in a horrible wreck.

I was so impressed.

So, he leaves and I think nothing of our meeting.

He returns, hours later, breezes in the door and asks "did you miss me?"

I jokingly said yes.

And thus, my downhill journey.

He begins by telling me that I should come down to his farm in Berthoud and "help take care" of his animals.

I was in an honest mood today, and told him no, that's too far away.

He tries to entice me to come to his farm, telling me he even has a "two story house". 

Be still, oh beating heart of mine!

I again reply no thanks.

So then he asks, "are you single?"

I give him the truth. Cursed honesty!

He then says "Hey so am I!"

Oh gee!!!!

Let's stop here and see what thoughts are going through my mind:
"Oh please no. Please God, anything but this. Let this be a joke, a silly bet, ANYTHING."

But no. This was no joke. He then says, "I should get your number. Let's go out to dinner"

Hint: hillbilly's are not my type.

Time stops. The world comes to an end.

Or so I wished.

Dinner? DINNER?!? Dude! LOOK AT YOU! You're ancient! You have a hat with a feather sticking out of it! You've got an orange bear on your arm!  

(As one co-worker said afterwards: "Sarah, he's got thirty years and two hundred pounds on you.")

I quickly decline this oh so wonderful dinner invitation.

And what do you do in moments when you've been shot down? You make it even MORE awkward!!!!!!

What does my gracious asker-outer say?

"Oh you're cold. You're cold. You are cooooooold".

Silence ensues. I mean really, what in the world can I say?

Me and Andy
Enter: Andy! The one, true love of my life.

Andy and I have been friends since I first met him almost five years ago. He's been with me through thick and thin.

So, Andy comes along, and in his usual treat begging fashion, comes alongside me and stares at this man who is making things worse with every passing second.

This man, seizing on the opportunity, says that Andy would want me to go out with him.

No. No he would not!!!

As he's making Andy go nuts, and continues to give me a hard time for saying no, I then decide to cut my losses and walk away.

Actually, more like run away.

A woman told me last week she'd set me up with her son, but after discovering my age, she changed her mind and said "You're too old."

I finally understand what she meant!

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