Interviews and Gonorrhea

Does anyone like job interviews?

Has anyone noticed that primarily what job interviews are is puffing yourself up in the presence of a potential employer to show them that not only are you great, you're also the best in your field (or have the potential), you love everything about life, and pretty much, you have absolutely no faults. At all. I once told an interviewer when asked "what is your biggest weakness?" "My biggest weakness is that I care too much".

*puke*

So I had a job interview today that I'm pretty sure that I will not be getting the position.

I walked into the Emergency Department, and while I am still currently employed there, I haven't worked there since November. I tell admitting who I am and then I take a seat, and I get those "I want to run away/hurl/vanish" feelings because little known secret: I get nervous really pretty easily. And when I get nervous, I turn into a foreign version of myself.

For example:

• My hands shake like a well advanced Parkinson's patient
• My heart beats about 1,000,000 beats per minute. Maybe more.
• That thing called "butterflies" in your stomach? I must have a butterfly infestation that threatens my life.
• I can't stop talking. I become this chatty Kathy, and start spewing off random information that no one cares about.
• If you think I smile a lot normally, you should see me when I'm dying from nervousness. It's like my facial muscles lose connection with my brain. Muscle spasms galore. 
• I laugh a lot more, even at things that really aren't all that hilarious. I'll catch myself and be like "SARAH! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"

It's really quite terrible. And it's not just in job interviews that this happens; no. This happens whenever I meet with someone I don't really know. I know the party in question leaves wondering how such a demented person could make it so far along in life.

But I digress.

So the interview progresses and the first question is:

"Tell us about yourself. Is that a question you're comfortable answering?"

No!

I blab on for decades about who I am before I realize these people don't care who I am; they merely want to see if I am qualified for the job. 

Then: "If you were going to advertise yourself in the newspaper, what three words about you would be in bold?"

I would never advertise myself in the paper. Why the heck would I ever do that?

So I say, after much thought, with my two interviewers staring at me, "Honest....compassionate...dependable"

"If you absolutely had to choose between working in the ambulance and working in the Emergency room, which would you pick?"

This is where I blow it. I say, "Emergency room". I am asked why. I say some sort of nonsense about liking the environment and everyone working together in unison. 

Have I mentioned which position I was applying for? 

It's a job on an AMBULANCE. Not in the emergency room which has, in the past, bored the living daylights out of me. 

I was then asked, if I've spent any time in the back of an ambulance. I flash back to one of my clinical's back in EMT school when I spent almost the entire day sitting in one, chatting with a paramedic. 

After some more awkward "why I am so great" questions and answers, I am then asked to come down to the ambulance director's office for an "activity".

The activity? Starting an IV and doing a blood draw on a fake hand. It's been over a year since I started an IV. My first thought? 

I can't do this! What's a needle? What's an IV? What's a vain?!?

I take a moment, and then, just go with it. I had learned in anatomy that it takes a person a couple hundred times of repetition to get an action down so that they don't have to think about what they're doing. The action is solidified if you go over the steps in your mind. Lord knows last year I went over how to start an IV about a billion times for a moment such as this one.

Grabbing the fake hand, I start reciting the steps, announcing too, that above all else, I'd be wearing gloves. (Thanks EMT school. BSI forever).

And then, I go. I get my materials ready, I clean the area, pull traction, insert my needle (with hands shaking),  and.....nothing. There's supposed to be a flash of blood, but all this fake hand has is deadness. I'm assured that this is okay, and to pretend that Mr. Hand has had quite a nice flash. I extract the needle and then proceed to draw fake blood that doesn't actually come out. Finally, I flush out the area and proceed to tape the IV, but....there's no tape. This is probably the worst fake IV and blood draw ever.

Have I also mentioned that during this test there is a steady flow of EMS personnel filtering through the incredibly small office staring at me? 

Quite soon though, I am on my way with promises that they'll "be in touch" 

Right.....

~~~

Before I end, I do have one more small tidbit of a story to share.

My microbiology class had an awkward lab to do today.

Titled "How did I catch THAT???" My classmates and I each had to carry around a beaker filled with what was pretend body fluid. We had to randomly choose three people in which to....erhm...."sleep with" and exchange body fluids. 

Unfortunately, one person was, unknowingly, "positive" for gonorrhea and so by sharing their beaker of fluids with their three partners and so on, good ol' gonorrhea would be spread around, because in this instance, everyone was, well, you know....

Turns out, with the addition of the additive Phenolphthalein, we could readily test the beakers of fake body fluids and see who got gonorrhea because the fluids would turn bright pink. In turn, it would also (hopefully) be able to be traced back to the original carrier.

All my "partners" tested positive, which means, they spread it to their successive partners, which means that yours truly was the secret carrier of this STD. 

Hardy.

Har.

Har.

Higher education. Always edifying.